The romantic comedy is a much lamented form of cinema these days. Cliched, trite, and hopelessly predictable, Hollywood's recent efforts have involved simply upping the raunch factor while keeping the essential formula the same. Which brings us to the Anna Faris comedy What's Your Number?
The plot follows in the great tradition of being utterly cringeworthy and infuriatingly backward. Ally Darling (Faris) has broken up with her umpteenth boyfriend, lost her job, and reads a magazine article that declares that women who have slept with 20 or more men have a significantly reduced chance of ever getting married and settling down in life. Once Ally writes down the names of all the men she has slept with, she discovers that her number is 19. She is further horrified to discover that among her girlfriends, the highest number is 13, which incites a great deal of shock and the ever-so supportive "oh you whore/slut" remarks. Ally resolves that she will not sleep with another man until she knows for certain that he is "the one." Of course, she makes this declaration in a bar, where she proceeds to get drunk and lands in bed with her ex-boss who she loathes. Now her number is 20 and she can go no higher. So she decides her only remaining option is to track down her ex boyfriends and see if any of them has changed enough to become "the one."
How many cliches is that already? Lady with a life in turmoil, multiple commitment-phobic boyfriends, completely unsupportive girlfriends, a quest for "the one," and naturally, the all-important urge to drink oneself senseless and end up in bed with a hated man. Let's not forget also that she has an older sister whose life is all sorted out and is about to be married, and a mother who fusses over her hair and cannot give her a single word of encouragement about her life.
Enter Colin, the handsome neighbor who will initially repel Ally, but will then be drawn to her as the proverbial moth to a flame. He lives across the hall from her, sleeps with a different woman every night (with no hand-wringing about his "number," because after all, shame about one's sexual proclivities is a purely feminine domain), and then hides out in Ally's apartment in the morning until the women leave. At first Ally is incensed, declaring that he can't treat women like that because she sees them all as "her sisters." But once she decides to find her old boyfriends she strikes up a deal with Colin - help her find her exes, and she will help him avoid his one-night stands in the morning. So much for the sisterhood.
I am one hour into the film (yes, it is annoying me so much that I have decided to blog about it before even finishing it) and we have gone through a whole slew of ex-boyfriends ranging from the previously morbidly obese to the now gay. After Ally returns from another disheartening encounter, she and Colin end up playing a game of strip basketball, skinny-dipping in Boston Harbor (as you do), and naturally recognizing their mutual affinity for one another. That's as far as I've gotten.
And now we get to the point of this post: I think I can predict with 99% certainty what will ensue in the next 45 minutes. There will be a brief honeymoon phase when everything's hunky-dory and the new couple will take it slow and be romantic. Then the one ex that Ally hasn't met yet who seems to be perfect (he's rich and currently in Africa setting up a charity - why does Hollywood's idea of a "good guy" always tend to such extremes?) will return, Ally will be impressed, Colin will get jealous, grievous misunderstandings will ensue. The once-happy couple will split, everyone will be miserable. Then finally, Colin will realize he was a fool. Since Ally's sister is getting married, the wedding seems the most probable location for the ultimate reconciliation and his declaration that Ally is the only girl he has ever loved. By the way, Colin is a musician, so I wouldn't put it past him to show up at the wedding with his band and serenade Ally just to make sure that the film has hit every cliche in the book. Also, despite working in marketing, Ally's hobby is to make weird sculptures. Colin has been praising these sculptures for a while now, so I'm certain he will urge her to pursue her art and she will likely end the film as someone who makes a living from her craft while convincing her boyfriend to play music and live out his dreams too. And the final line will probably involve something about her "number" and how stupid it is to believe what you read in magazines, because look at her, this is guy #21, and everything turned out just fine!
I am going to watch the rest of the movie now (look at what lengths I go to in the name of pop culture research!) and will post an update as to whether I was right about any of my predicted plot points. Maybe the movie will come up with some brand spanking new revelation that will alter the rom-com landscape forever. But if prior movies are any indication, I can predict with 100% certainty that it will not.
Update: Ugh. Turns out my predictions may have been more romantic than expected, which I didn't think was possible. The essentials are the same, I just mixed up who would need to apologize at the end. The rich ex did return, Ally did go off with him, she realized her mistake at her sister's wedding (when the rich guy was horrified by her number and also dismissed the silliness of her sculpting), and then chased down Colin who was playing with his band at another wedding. So he didn't serenade her, but he was singing when she showed up. They both apologized for ruining a good thing and then she declared, "I think I love you, 21." So yay, she has come to accept that she likes who she is and she wants to be with the guy who loves her for who she is. What an unusual moral.
Of course, there's still the last scene. Ally and Colin are in bed when the phone rings and we hear a guy (the unmistakable voice of Aziz Ansari) leaving a message. Turns out Ally had called him to say she was getting in touch with everyone she slept with, and he was calling back to let her know that they never actually slept together (poor girl must have been drunk and forgetful again). So the final scene is Ally jumping up and down on the bed, yelling "Yay, you're only #20, I've only slept with 20 guys!" As Natasha Bedingfield (big surprise) started crooning over the end credits, I stared at the screen aghast. Not only did the film pay homage to every corny rom-com staple and tie things up with a happy, boring bow, but the last scene also managed to undermine even the small moral victory the heroine had made when accepting that numbers were stupid and all that mattered was that she be with someone who makes her happy. If 0 is the number of times you have watched What's Your Number? consider yourself fortunate. The number of times I've seen it is now 1 and I feel violated.
Update: Ugh. Turns out my predictions may have been more romantic than expected, which I didn't think was possible. The essentials are the same, I just mixed up who would need to apologize at the end. The rich ex did return, Ally did go off with him, she realized her mistake at her sister's wedding (when the rich guy was horrified by her number and also dismissed the silliness of her sculpting), and then chased down Colin who was playing with his band at another wedding. So he didn't serenade her, but he was singing when she showed up. They both apologized for ruining a good thing and then she declared, "I think I love you, 21." So yay, she has come to accept that she likes who she is and she wants to be with the guy who loves her for who she is. What an unusual moral.
Of course, there's still the last scene. Ally and Colin are in bed when the phone rings and we hear a guy (the unmistakable voice of Aziz Ansari) leaving a message. Turns out Ally had called him to say she was getting in touch with everyone she slept with, and he was calling back to let her know that they never actually slept together (poor girl must have been drunk and forgetful again). So the final scene is Ally jumping up and down on the bed, yelling "Yay, you're only #20, I've only slept with 20 guys!" As Natasha Bedingfield (big surprise) started crooning over the end credits, I stared at the screen aghast. Not only did the film pay homage to every corny rom-com staple and tie things up with a happy, boring bow, but the last scene also managed to undermine even the small moral victory the heroine had made when accepting that numbers were stupid and all that mattered was that she be with someone who makes her happy. If 0 is the number of times you have watched What's Your Number? consider yourself fortunate. The number of times I've seen it is now 1 and I feel violated.
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