My Dad Wrote a Porno: Do Not Listen While Operating Heavy Machinery

Need to improve your Monday morning commute? Listen to a podcast called My Dad Wrote a Porno. You can guess that this is a NSFW (though I think I've recommended it to everyone I work with regardless), very adult podcast that you don't want your kids listening to. But if you're acquainted with the birds and the bees, grab your headphones (and your cervix) and get ready.

The show is hosted by three Brits: Jamie Morton, Alice Levine, and James Cooper. Jamie is the unfortunate soul whose father has written a pornographic e-book entitled, Belinda Blinked. His father writes under the choice pseudonym of Rocky Flintstone and this whole endeavor began as a retirement lark after he tired of writing tamer fare, like travel guides, with his wife. He gave the finished manuscript to his son, and the horror-struck Jamie decided there was only way to get through this piece of erotic fiction - reading it chapter-by-chapter on a podcast with his friends, Alice and James.

I first heard about this podcast on NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour (the source of all of my favorite recommendations) and I was hooked after the first five minutes. And the people I have recommended it to have been similarly ensnared. I devoured the first season over a weekend, and thankfully, because Rocky Flintstone did not just stop with one book, the gang are now in the midst of reading Belinda Blinked 2, releasing a new chapter every Monday morning to start my week off right. I have frightened my fellow commuters by cackling on the shuttle or giggling on the street. But who cares, because this podcast is so brilliant. In addition, there are little "Footnotes" released on Thursdays that feature Q&As, deep-dives into themes that arose from a particular chapter, like a very informative Dutch lesson that gives you everything you need to know before a trip to Amsterdammmm, and interviews with celebrities who love the podcast (my favorite so far is the one with QI Elf Dan Schreiber from No Such Thing as the News - talk about everything I love mashed up into a glorious half hour).

I realize none of the above adequately explains what is so wonderful about MDWAP. It's an odd combination of bewildering plot (or lack thereof), un-sexy sex scenes (my fellow female listeners will back me up when I say there is nothing more cringe-inducing than the anatomically impossible references to cervixes sprinkled throughout the first book), stilted dialogue, and oddball characters ranging from our heroine, the bizarre Belinda Blumenthal who seems to think nothing of taking her kit off in every conceivable situation, to the Youngish Man, whose name we got as a complete afterthought once he was done shagging Belinda. And of course, this is all delivered in Jamie's fantastically soothing voice. He tries to be as professional as possible but simply can't hold it together when a particularly egregious event unfolds (i.e. every five to ten seconds) and requires as much moral support as Alice and James can muster. Even more hilariously, the trio will occasionally try to highlight moments when Rocky has genuinely written something well or displayed some kind of literary brilliance, only to quickly cast their praise aside as they get to the next horrifying sentence.

My Dad Wrote a Porno is the most gleeful, inane experience you can hope to introduce into your life. It is so funny, so unrelentingly preposterous, and such a product of the modern age where we can take the literary foibles of a retired Irishman and turn him into a worldwide sensation with a global audience of three million people. We can complain all we like about how fractured and chaotic the world is. But as it turns out, all we need to unite the masses is to listen to a hapless man narrate his father's erotic fiction. 

The Great British Bake Off: Sweetly Satisfying

Much has been written about the excellence of The Great British Bake Off (or The Great British Baking Show as it's known in the States). This past week, the seventh season of the show premiered on the BBC with its highest ratings yet. Why do people love this show so much? Let me count the ways.

1. The contestants. Twelve amateur bakers are picked from across the UK. These are thoroughly ordinary citizens from all walks of life. None of them bake for a living but they all bake for enjoyment and this show will put their passion to the test. No matter where they're from or their family background, one thing unites all Bake Off contestants: their Britishness. These are not the showboating reality stars of American TV shows. These are self-deprecating Brits who will bake up a storm and then shrug their shoulders at a compliment, never willing to say they did a good job until someone forces them to acknowledge that they have accomplished a miracle. 

2. The judges. Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood. With names like that, they have to be good. And they are. They are renowned bakers in their own right but also the ideal judges - firm but fair, always willing to find something to praise if your bake went horribly wrong and bound to nitpick if you missed one tiny thing that would have transformed your almost-perfect bake into a masterpiece. They are knowledgeable, kind, and charismatic, the perfect mentors for eager amateurs. 

3. The hosts. The comedy duo of Mel Giedroyc and Sue Perkins are great audience surrogates. Two ladies who don't know anything about baking but are sure as hell going to taste all the delicious treats. As they cheerfully announce each impossible round and then wander around the tent offering humor and support to the harried contestants, they are like a pair of adorable puppies, seeking only to bring a smile to your face or comfort you when your souffle collapses before your eyes. 

4. The format. Every episode has a theme and consists of three rounds: the Signature bake, the Technical challenge, and the Showstopper. Contestants are briefed in advance about the first and third rounds so they can practice during the week in their homes and give their closest friends and families diabetes while coming up with wondrous creations that are destined to wow the judges and audience alike. But the Technical challenge is a devilish thing. Each week, one of the judges picks an obscure recipe for an item that most of the contestants have never heard of or never made. To make matters worse, the recipe doesn't have all the details, forcing the contestants to guess at how long to leave something in the oven or how long to proof the dough. It's always a wonder that anyone makes anything edible at all. 

5. It's simply wonderful. Like a perfect bake, the above four elements of the show combine to make something greater than the sum of its parts. Over the past few weeks, I watched the latest season on PBS. I already knew who had won because it was discussed at length in the British press, but as I watched each episode, I still found myself thoroughly invested in every single baker, cheering for their artistry and commiserating in their disappointments. And when I got to the finale, I teared up, because the winner was so utterly gobsmacked and so genuinely deserving. The show feels comfortable and predictable but over the course of ten weeks, you truly get to know these people and feel like they are your closest friends. Every person who gets eliminated is dearly missed and every person who wins Star Baker is genuinely celebrated. 

The Great British Bake Off is an insidious show, a seemingly simple reality program that nonetheless worms its way into your heart. It has no time for apathy or pessimism; it only wishes to promote warmth and cheer. Be warned, every episode will leave you ravenous. But as empty as your stomach may feel, your heart will be full.