In search of thoroughly mindless entertainment last week, I watched Breaking Dawn Part 1, the penultimate addition to the Twilight film saga that will mercifully end this year. It was certainly mindless, but I wouldn't go so far as to say it was entertainment. Actually, scratch that. I have always found the Twilight franchise to be endlessly entertaining - not because it's any good, but because it's one of those things that fascinate you by being so horrible.
Sadly, I have read all the books and have watched all the movies. I am not remotely a fan, but like I always tell people, this series is like a drug addiction. You know that it's bad for you, but you just can't stop doing it. I initially started reading Twilight because of the hype. Everyone was talking about it, people were crazy for it, and since my beloved Harry Potter was over, I figured I could use a new fantasy series to fill the void. Boy was I mistaken. From the very first chapter I found myself wondering if I was reading an actual published work instead of some mediocre musings penned by an insecure schoolgirl. And yet I couldn't stop reading because I was desperate to see if the series somehow improved by the time it got to the fourth book. Spoiler alert: it did not. I won't rehash everything that is wrong with Twilight since others have done so before me and the author herself owns up to the fact that she isn't a good writer, but I do suggest you watch Alex Reads Twilight on YouTube. It is marvelous to watch Alex Day try to get through the first Twilight novel and giggle at his mounting horror as he encounters the poor writing and insane plots.
Back to the movie - it's everything you would expect from a movie based on a terrible book. Kristen Stewart is (as usual) doing her best to make Bella Swan a worthy protagonist, but when you are dealing with a series in which the heroine is the most weak-willed, co-dependent, one-dimensional character in all of existence, it's really hard to get the audience to root for you (unless you're a Twihard tween who has self-esteem issues and thinks that Twilight represents the pinnacle of literary achievement). I cannot wait for these movies to end because I genuinely believe Kristen Stewart is a good actress, but she has become so associated with this awful character that she will have to take on some very challenging roles to show people that she can actually act. I am less enthused about the leading men in these movies. Robert Pattinson does his usual shtick of being a lovesick vampire, and Taylor Lautner is the ever-obliging werewolf who will take his shirt off simply to please the tweens in the audience. The supporting cast get to recite about two sentences of dialogue each and the rest of the film just involves a lot of angst and romance.
The two "anticipated" scenes in this movie were Edward and Bella's honeymoon, and then the birth of the human-vampire baby that is the result of that honeymoon. I was curious to see how the filmmakers would pull off these scenes, keeping in mind their ridiculously young audience, but both scenes stuck to the PG-13 guidebook. The birth was not remotely as gory as described in the books and aside from a few artfully placed bloodstains, the whole affair was far less fraught than I had anticipated. Still awful, but definitely not as graphic as the books. I don't know how any of the actors got through that scene without bursting into hysterical laughter, but I suppose after going through the motions on three movies already, they're used to pretending that this material is not ridiculous. No one associated with these films appears to think they're making a masterpiece. The movies have gotten insanely self-referential and satirical - whether it's Taylor Lautner getting shirtless within the first two seconds, or the boys laughing over the indubitably heinous name of Renesmee for Bella's baby, it's like the filmmakers acknowledge that there are people like me who are watching just for laughs. So they're having fun riding this franchise all the way to the bank and if the tweens are willing to bankrupt themselves over collecting Team Edward and Team Jacob memorabilia, who am I to stop them?
Will I be watching Breaking Dawn Part 2? You bet. Why? Because Twilight is like a trainwreck, you just can't avert your gaze from the unfolding horror. I know that the tweens of this world do not share my opinions and will hate me for them, but please boys and girls. Do not grow up thinking that the characters of Twilight should be your role models. When you're adults, you need to look back on this franchise, ruefully laugh, and chalk it up to the follies of youth.
Sadly, I have read all the books and have watched all the movies. I am not remotely a fan, but like I always tell people, this series is like a drug addiction. You know that it's bad for you, but you just can't stop doing it. I initially started reading Twilight because of the hype. Everyone was talking about it, people were crazy for it, and since my beloved Harry Potter was over, I figured I could use a new fantasy series to fill the void. Boy was I mistaken. From the very first chapter I found myself wondering if I was reading an actual published work instead of some mediocre musings penned by an insecure schoolgirl. And yet I couldn't stop reading because I was desperate to see if the series somehow improved by the time it got to the fourth book. Spoiler alert: it did not. I won't rehash everything that is wrong with Twilight since others have done so before me and the author herself owns up to the fact that she isn't a good writer, but I do suggest you watch Alex Reads Twilight on YouTube. It is marvelous to watch Alex Day try to get through the first Twilight novel and giggle at his mounting horror as he encounters the poor writing and insane plots.
Back to the movie - it's everything you would expect from a movie based on a terrible book. Kristen Stewart is (as usual) doing her best to make Bella Swan a worthy protagonist, but when you are dealing with a series in which the heroine is the most weak-willed, co-dependent, one-dimensional character in all of existence, it's really hard to get the audience to root for you (unless you're a Twihard tween who has self-esteem issues and thinks that Twilight represents the pinnacle of literary achievement). I cannot wait for these movies to end because I genuinely believe Kristen Stewart is a good actress, but she has become so associated with this awful character that she will have to take on some very challenging roles to show people that she can actually act. I am less enthused about the leading men in these movies. Robert Pattinson does his usual shtick of being a lovesick vampire, and Taylor Lautner is the ever-obliging werewolf who will take his shirt off simply to please the tweens in the audience. The supporting cast get to recite about two sentences of dialogue each and the rest of the film just involves a lot of angst and romance.
The two "anticipated" scenes in this movie were Edward and Bella's honeymoon, and then the birth of the human-vampire baby that is the result of that honeymoon. I was curious to see how the filmmakers would pull off these scenes, keeping in mind their ridiculously young audience, but both scenes stuck to the PG-13 guidebook. The birth was not remotely as gory as described in the books and aside from a few artfully placed bloodstains, the whole affair was far less fraught than I had anticipated. Still awful, but definitely not as graphic as the books. I don't know how any of the actors got through that scene without bursting into hysterical laughter, but I suppose after going through the motions on three movies already, they're used to pretending that this material is not ridiculous. No one associated with these films appears to think they're making a masterpiece. The movies have gotten insanely self-referential and satirical - whether it's Taylor Lautner getting shirtless within the first two seconds, or the boys laughing over the indubitably heinous name of Renesmee for Bella's baby, it's like the filmmakers acknowledge that there are people like me who are watching just for laughs. So they're having fun riding this franchise all the way to the bank and if the tweens are willing to bankrupt themselves over collecting Team Edward and Team Jacob memorabilia, who am I to stop them?
Will I be watching Breaking Dawn Part 2? You bet. Why? Because Twilight is like a trainwreck, you just can't avert your gaze from the unfolding horror. I know that the tweens of this world do not share my opinions and will hate me for them, but please boys and girls. Do not grow up thinking that the characters of Twilight should be your role models. When you're adults, you need to look back on this franchise, ruefully laugh, and chalk it up to the follies of youth.
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| Spoiler alert: this is the final shot of the movie. Maybe Kristen Stewart can redeem herself somewhat in Part 2 as a bloodthirsty vampire instead of an annoying human. |
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